What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:06
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was very sick at this time too.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I have no regrets .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But, we were locked up after school.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.